Losing Control of Life
by kakite
Summary: Sequel to Losing Control- can be read alone. Kagome finds an answer in... origami?
1. Default Chapter

Hey all, I'm back at last. Sorry I haven't written in a while... schools been hell, and my life kinda has been too. It's been a tough last few weeks for me, and so I had to write. Please review whatever this turns out to be because it helps distract me from the haze my life has become.   
  
**Here goes the sequel to Losing Control. Based on actual experiences with me and my ex bf. Most of the convos actually happened and are quoted as directly as possible, changed slightly to fit with the plot. The whole thing hasn't ended yet, so when it does, so will this story, for the better or worst... and u guys can't get mad at me, cuz it's the way it happened!**  
  
_I broke a promise...   
  
I broke a promise...   
  
Everyone will hate me. I can't tell._   
  
"Breakfast time everyone!" yell I, shifting uncomfortably as Inuyasha grabs me around my waist. I forced a smile as continued stirring the pot of noodles as everyone grabbed their bowls.   
  
One minute at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time. Hang in there! If only it weren't so tough to be selfless..... but maybe you have to be selfish sometimes..... but then what?   
  
"Kagome-chan?" Sango's voice breaks my reverie and I realize I'm in the hot spring with her, since when did that happen?   
  
"Kagome-chan, what's wrong?" She questions.   
  
"Wha? Nothings wrong." My canned response flows out almost seamlessly now.   
  
"Yes there is, don't lie to me. The way you've been ignoring Inuyasha, staring off into space like you were just now." She scolds..... I am in for some more finger shaking. Tuning her out, I go to a quiet world where there was no one else. No uncertainty, no feelings, and no lectures.   
  
"KAGOME!!" Sango snapped.   
  
"Wha, where's the fire?!" I gasp, snatched from my perfect dreamland and tossed back into the harsh reality.   
  
"Seriously Kagome-chan, I'm worried about you!"   
  
"I can't tell....." I trail off, even THAT was too much to say. Too late now though.   
  
"Tell me what?..... Don't be such an oni Kagome!" Sango is getting annoyed, and fast.   
  
"I'm so stupid sometimes....." I sigh loudly, sinking into the warm water a few more inches.   
  
"What? No you're not Kagome, if this is what it's about I'm getting out right now instead of trying to help you.   
  
"If you'd just shut up for a moment, maybe I'd have have a bit of silence to think things out!" This is turning into a miniature cat-fight, and I can't deny it is annoying my already confused mind.   
  
Sango was silent at last, giving peace to my soul.   
  
"I'm not so sure I love Inuyasha anymore." I whispered, turning my nose towards the swirling water.   
  
"WHAT?!" Sango started, her eyes wide with surprise.   
  
"SHHHH, keep it down!"   
  
"Since when?! Why haven't you told me?!" Sango demanded in a loud whisper.   
  
"Since... I don't know, and imagine if I told him! It would ruin everything! It would break up the shard group, break our friendship, everything!"   
  
"Kagome-chan, that still doesn't change the fact that you don't love him! Are you sure though?"   
  
"I'm pretty damn sure! This happens every time I think I love someone, my mind fails me!"   
  
"If it's a pattern for you, then break it! Win against your mind. I know you Kagome, I know how you feel now and I think it's still there."   
  
"When I'm around him, I don't feel the connection anymore, I don't really feel that bond..... it's just gone. Like when I talk to him, I'm not there all the way you know?"   
  
"You two just seemed so right for each other! When you were together I could see that connection....." Sango seems sad now, staring at the same water my eyes are so affixed to.   
  
"What should I do?" I break the impending silence before it attacks.   
  
"You should stop trying to be so selfless and do something for yourself for once! If you think it'll make YOU happy, then tell him what you just told me!"   
  
"I can't though! I can't stand hurting people like that....."   
  
"Do it Kagome-chan! You have to do it now or else you're never going to do it!" Sango urges me silently.   
  
I drag my stone feet forth, towards certain doom and more. Words are caught in my throat mingled with forgotten breaths.   
  
_ Do something for yourself for once. _   
  
The weight on my feet lightens and I move forward towards him. He has already sensed something is wrong and is awaiting my words.   
  
"I-I-inuyasha?" I stutter.   
  
"Hey." He mumbles.   
  
"Hey..... Inuyasha..... Um... I really don't think this relationship is working out too well, and I think we should just be friends." I blurt.   
  
"What?" he is astounded, though suspecting it I do not doubt.   
  
"I'm just not with his relationship anymore..... wow that was hard to say..... But can we still be friends?"   
  
"Ok."   
  
"Yah..... cool."   
  
"I have some.... Work to do..... so yah, see you." Inuyasha's voice is a little shaky but otherwise unaffected.   
  
Each step he takes away from me my heart lightens. I did it! My soul is free to roam alone once again. My heart jumps for joy and my mind rejoices. Maybe I shouldn't be this happy, but oh the joy I feel!   
  
"Did you do it?" Sango asks to my smiling face.   
  
"Yes, and I feel GREAT!" I beam.   
  
"See?! What did I say?" Sango smiles, glancing off in the direction Inuyasha disappeared in.   
  
He won't talk to me, and I'm too shy to talk to him. We ignore each other for the most part, so much for being friends. Sango says I should try and talk to him, and I just tell her she should try talking to someone who ignores her. It's hard seeing him every day, that's why I'm going home tomorrow. Somehow, I don't think he'll stop me this time. I'll come back, I just need some time to think things out.   
  
At home now, my happiness I once felt has left me now. I should have known it was temporary. My mom asked about Inuyasha, and why he wasn't there with me. I told her that I ended it and you should have seen the look on her face. But I've been thinking too much lately, and I am thinking just how happy I was with Inuyasha, and how good he was to me, and how lonely I am now. I am realizing that maybe I really do love him after all. Yeah, some time to realize this Kagome! I'm such an idiot sometimes it scares me. I want something, I get it, and decide I don't want it, get ride of it and decide I want it again! How MANY times do I have to change my mind before I am happy with my decision.   
  
That's all for today, I need to write the real version now too. Tell me if you want me to post the real version too, I'll still continue with this version if I did that. Thank you all for writing, I hope you'll decide to review and give me some guidance, which I am in real need of 


	2. Find Your Reason

Yes! It's the truth! Mighty kakite returns from the eternal doom of homework and activities! Ha. Well, This story has turned out to be quite interesting indeed.... Ends up my 'best friend' began to hang out with this guy and totally turned him from the awesome nice guy I knew. Now he's a total jerk like her... Luckily my heart mends easily on the quest for happiness and I'm on the easily found road to love once again. BUT have no fear! It won't end up that way, but it won't be happy either so hold onto your seats for the ride to utter destruction, betrayal, harsh conclusions and lonliness.  
  
At home now, my happiness I once felt has left me now. I should have known it was temporary. My mom asked about Inuyasha, and why he wasn't there with me. I told her that I ended it and you should have seen the look on her face. But I've been thinking too much lately, and I am thinking just how happy I was with Inuyasha, and how good he was to me, and how lonely I am now. I am realizing that maybe I really do love him after all. Yeah, some time to realize this Kagome! I'm such an idiot sometimes it scares me. I want something, I get it, and decide I don't want it, get ride of it and decide I want it again! How MANY times do I have to change my mind before I am happy with my decision.   
  
The well tugs my soul down into a somersault and I'm dizzy as I hit the feudal soil. The cranes I made at home rustle in my backpack... all 500 of them. I tried to make it to a thousand in order to get my mind off of Inuyasha. Turns out a thousand is as big number, and even bigger if you've got something in the back of your mind. More then once the golden square of paper ended up as a dog or a heart rather then a crane.   
  
I remember when I was small, my mother would point to the mounds of colorful birds and tell me that there was a _thousand_ of them in there. That was a big number for a kid as small as I was, and even bigger because it meant one wish. The folder got one wish. And now, today, I made it only halfway there. I have in my bag half a wish. Some people would wish for money, and a half a million dollars isn't too bad. Other people would wish for giant house and get half of a house, which would be not only an architectural marvel but a cool thing to have. But me. I would wish to have Inuyasha back... but you can't get half a lover, nor can you give only a meager half of your love.   
  
And so I am left with this half a wish rustling in my big yellow backpack, precious enough for me to take, and yet not enough for me to get the whole Inuyasha back.   
  
A stone catches the edge of my shoe and my knees crash to the ground, meeting tall grass. A bee buzzes by my ear and I flinch violently, avoiding its angry path. That bee is me in so many ways. I fly aimlessly, only changing my course when I hit something solid, or something goes wrong. Every so often I find a beautiful flower to land on, and on it I gather so many memories, but I have to leave that flower and move on. Memories are my only souvenir.   
  
My knees are still in the itchy grass, they will never be anywhere else.   
  
Everyone has changed in the few days that I have been gone. Inuyasha disappeared yesterday, according to an apologetic Miroku.   
  
I hear a familiar rustle in the trees every so often and turn thinking it's Inuyasha, but am disappointed when I find it is only the wind. Luckily I can return mostly to my energetic self that everyone knew before.   
  
Inuyasha reappeared today from his vacation. I got a glance against everyone else's FEH. I opened my mouth to say something but he was already in his tree waiting for dinner. I caught Sango giving me a puzzled look, which quickly ended as a turned in her direction.   
  
No one seems to be worried about me, even though I go for long walks alone and often get up at night and go to the edge of the river to watch the clear water flowing purposefully downhill to a set destination. I guess it just make me angry because that exactly what I need. Someone to worry about me, little old selfish me. I need someone to say "Kagome are you ok?" to which I would reply "No, I'm doing actually quite horribly thanks."   
  
I'm sitting on a low tree branch right now, looking out across the gurgling water. I could have sworn I saw Kikyo's reflection from this very same spot numerous times. But I try and focus my eyes and it's gone before I can get a clear picture. I wonder at why I'm still here if we're not looking for shards. It is of course because these are the only people that almost understand me. I've drifted too far apart from my friends at home. This harsh reality shoots me in the chest in just such a way that I'm still alive, but the bullet's still there. The bullet taunts me with the fact that even these caring friends aren't giving me the attention I need. Even these people that I love more then the world don't understand my stupid stupid soul.   
  
I find myself back on the trail to camp, the trail I've walked so many times it's more of a path. Suddenly, as if from nowhere I collide with Red and I stumble backwards. It seems this Red is also silver and white, with purple beads and yellow eyes and staring at me angrily.   
  
I sigh and step around it, continuing my walk when I once again crash into Red. I thought it was raining for a moment as I feel a drop hit my arm, then I realize I'm crying.   
  
"Would you stop wandering off like that, I've had it with this whole night walking thing." His voice complains.   
  
"I will wander off when and where I want to until I see reason to stop." My voice snaps, far off from my spinning mind.   
  
"You don't need a fucking reason, woman! But I'll give you one anyway; you'll get killed by all the fucking demons out here. Now get back to the hut before I have to pick you up and carry you back."   
  
That one silences me, but inspires me at the same time. I look to the left for only a second before turning that way and wandering off into the thick foliage. I've always found that if you just stop and walk off, something's bound to happen that was better if you tried to think of the right thing to say. And sure enough, he's coming after me.   
  
"Damn you Kagome, get back here."   
  
I am laughing now for the first time in I don't know how long and crashing as fast as I can through the thick branches. The forest swallows me and closes to the disruptive hanyou on my tail. I stop for a breath and to calm my giggling, which is dieing fast as I remember the reason that rain fell that night.   
  
I wait for Inuyasha to find me as I listen to his crashing get nearer and nearer. I whisper into the wind three unbearable words that I wish reached his ears. But he's found me now and I smile at him. He seems puzzled by that so I continue, laughing a little. I remember now why I loved him so much, why I trusted him, why he made me laugh. But with white comes black, with day comes night, and with love comes hate. It seems Inuyasha has forgotten or refuses to remember why he loved me and what I did for him because he just glares back at my smile.   
  
"Why are you smirking at me, bitch." He insists, and I reply with nothing but a long sigh.   
  
"Amazing the short memory that comes with a broken heart, eh?" I say with a fading smile, observing his comic confusion. Seeing he isn't going to say anything, I decide to explain myself further. "Love is such a stupid thing that it has top have a reason for some of us, and I just remembered mine. Yours unfortunately I think is lost forever. I'm going back to camp now, anyway."   
  
His eyes open wide and glow yellow in the night. As I walk off I whisper, "tell me if you find it, because then I'd like to beg for your forgiveness."   
  
It feels so good to love again. I chuckle to myself as I massage my stomach. I just hope Inuyasha finds his reason again, so that my child can have him as a father. Yes, I'm pregnant. It's been out of my mind for a while, mostly due to my trying to ignore it. The symptoms aren't bad yet and so no one but me really knows. I think they suspected it that day long ago when Inuyasha and I were still together. But not now, two weeks later, I keep that pretty well hidden.   
  
It's comforting to know something no one else knows.   
  
Yup, that's right, the END! No, JUST KIDDING! It will go on! Just tell me if u want a happy ending or a sad ending, though I'm leaning more towards a happy one I guess. Please review, as always I beg! Thanks for reading. 


	3. Seventy Percent Happy

Seventy Percent Happy  
By kakite  
  
The third and last installment of Losing Control of Life, sequel to Losing Control.  
  
        His eyes open wide and glow yellow in the night. As I walk off I whisper, "tell me if you find it, because then I'd like to beg for your forgiveness."   
  
It feels so good to love again. I chuckle to myself as I massage my stomach. I just hope Inuyasha finds his reason again, so that my child can have him as a father. Yes, I'm pregnant. It's been out of my mind for a while, mostly due to my trying to ignore it. The symptoms aren't bad yet and so no one but me really knows. I think they suspected it that day long ago when Inuyasha and I were still together. But not now, two weeks later, I keep that pretty well hidden.   
  
It's comforting to know something no one else knows.   
  
        I've made it to 700 cranes now. What else is there to do with all the time we have. Sango offered to help. I told her she could make her own, and my wish would be made entirely by me.  
  
        It's fun to think about all the things you could get with half of a wish or 70% of a wish now. 70 percent of a brand new car, of a pony, of an amusement park, 70 percent happy, 70 percent world peace. But still, 70 percent of love isn't a winning number, and so I fold on into the 750s, nursing my calluses.  
  
        I saw Inuyasha pick up one I had dropped one evening. He looked like he was going to set it back down, but then as if a thought occurred to him, he stuffed it into his sleeve and acted like nothing happened. I tried hard not to laugh, and wondered what he would do with it.  
  
        I am now at the glorious and doomed number of 900. Only a hundred to go. Sango sighs as she looks at her mere 150, all of which are kind of crumpled looking. 913... 914... This is going to last forever. 91.5 percent of a wish isn't sounding that bad, but it's still not a whole one. I need to sleep.   
  
        I'm standing on a tiny platform over the ocean. It's belittling looking out at the blue expanse. It smells like the sea; like rotting sea animals and salt. Gulls wall their sorrow through an angry song as they hover in the hot sun overhead. A boat is coming. Nine masts decorate a truly enormous deck and as it sails closer I recognize not men, but birds, working on deck. They are cranes. Thousands of them.  
  
        The ships comes closer yet and they are all saluting me. Now I can see that there are some people aboard as well. People that look sad. The cranes throw down the anchor and I can tell that they aren't coming closer just yet.  
  
        I try to understand my dream as I lay in bed the next morning. I guessed that the ship is symbolic of my wish, and the reason it didn't come all the way to meet me, is that I haven't finished folding yet. But why were there people, and why did they all look so sad? Had they folded a hundred cranes just as I am doing now?   
  
        I remember there was one girl who was leaning over the side of the ship beaming. She was missing an arm and a few teeth, but she looked as happy as a dragon at a concert. She couldn't have possibly made her cranes if she had one arm... Of course! Making a wish for yourself is so self-centered, that you would end up sad in the end. The only way anyone can be happy is if they are given a wish. I jumped up from bed to make the remaining 85 cranes.  
  
        Sango woke up at about 35 and questioned the early morning folding. By then I knew just what I was going to do, and it had to be a surprise. Of course that got her all the more curious and she sat across from me, watching my fingers manipulate squares into thousandths of a wish. 955... 956... Sango went inside the hut to get some tea and breakfast.  
  
        Certain success! 990... 991... Inuyasha's subtle entrance hardly had me phased. I'm sure he could feel the thick fog of anticipation that hung over me.  
  
        The last one. I took a moment and stared in awe at the pile, and then at the last square in my hand. My hand carefully made the first fold and readied to make the next when from nowhere it seemed, someone grabbed the paper. I looked up, it was Inuyasha. He was crumbling the paper and smiling. I was winding up to be mad when out of his sleeve, he produced the crane that he had picked up all that time ago. It was worn, but still recognizable.  
  
He spoke what was on both of our minds. "One thousand." And added that last crane into the pile. We both stared in awe at the mass of paper.  
  
"It's for you." I say.  
  
"For me?! Are you crazy? You spent HOURS of time folding these, why would you give it to me." Inuyasha scolds.  
  
"Because I want your forgiveness, and that's something you can't wish for." I snap. "So you'll take the wish, and like it."  
  
"Feh, always throwing you life away for others... someday... Someday I'll catch you being selfish, but until then, you had better worship every last hair on my body." Inuyasha says sarcastically.  
  
Sango shatters her teacup in surprise when she steps out of the hut to see the only thing left is the cranes, and two familiar figures bounding off into the canopy.  
  
"EEEIIIAAACCCKKKKK, MIROKU!"  
  
Someone hasn't forgotten their place it seems, as hiraikotsu indulges itself on a little houshi-skull.   
  
How was that for a happy ending. Please tell me what to think, I have like no time to write anymore, so your reviews are like god's gift. It helps me find time! Ja ne. 


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